Superglue Your Relationship – by Laurie Puhn

Sometimes, the best advice given to people in a relationship is common sense, uncommonly used—as in, do unto your mate as you’d like done to you. As a lawyer, a couples mediator, and the author of the bestseller Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In (now offered nationwide as a live and online marriage education course), people turn to me for relationship advice. Today, I share some tips to create the superglue to keep your relationship strong and healthy.

Maintain a positive daily communication routine. Every couple has a communication routine. What’s yours? Kind or rude? Either way, you and your mate can easily upgrade your daily routine: 1) Say “Good morning” cheerfully, not “You have to take care of the….” And before you go to sleep, always say, “Good night.” 2) When you return home at the end of the workday, say “Hello” and give your mate a warm hug or kiss; don’t head for the mail, your cellphone, or computer. 3) Thank your mate for something every day, such as emptying the garbage, putting the kids to bed, or working hard to provide for your family. Be grateful that your mate is doing things that add value (big or small) to the family. Lastly, 5) say, “I love you because…” and fill in the blank with something thoughtful that your mate did that day, such as calling/texting you to find out how your meeting or doctor’s appointment went. Act, think, and talk like lovemates, not roommates.

Pay your mate. Give the priceless gift of words. When you’re in a loving relationship you take on the job responsibility of being your mate’s head cheerleader, and if you aren’t fulfilling that role, you’re leaving a job opening for someone else. How exactly do you cheerlead? We did a Fight Less, Love More study and found that when we asked people whether they’d prefer their mate compliment them for being good-looking or for being kind, 84 percent chose kind. Our character is a key part of what brought us together, and it’s the glue that keeps us together. When was the last time you verbally recognized a positive character quality (like being generous, thoughtful, compassionate) in your mate?

Issue non-refusable offers. Volunteer! Say, “I insist that I help with…” Routinely offer to help your mate with chores, kids, and time off without guilt. Don’t wait for your honey to ask or beg you for a favor. As our love relationship becomes a fixed part of our life, it’s natural that what we come to expect, we come to neglect. We often show our kindest selves to strangers and colleagues, while we leave emotional scraps for our mate, who we presume will be there tomorrow, and we assume knows we love him/her. Be aware of these deadly presumptions and assumptions. Shower your mate with kind offers that she/he will enjoy and reciprocate.

Have good fights. Happy couples do fight. Couples who say they never fight are dishonest, or perhaps one member of the couple acts like a doormat (and by the way, research shows that over a 10-year period women who report keeping their mouths shut during arguments with their spouses have a four times greater risk of heart disease, as compared to women who speak up). The goal in a good fight is to reach a solution so you avoid never-ending battles. Ask neutral questions (“Why do you think that?”) and listen to the answers, then give your opinion. Good fights end with a solution. Bad fights don’t. At the start of a fight, you and your mate will have different ideas about how to solve the problem at hand. Discard both ideas and come up with a joint solution. The fact is, when all parties participate in creating a resolution, they are more likely to comply.

Seek instant gratification. Yes, be rewarded today! Most couples counseling is a long-term process, but the simple strategies found in Fight Less, Love More give you the communication tools to quickly fix and enrich your relationship. Want to jump-start love today? Then try one of my 30-Second Love Plays, the Eyeball to Eyeball Love Play: Gently put your hand on your mate’s shoulder, look him/her in the eye, and say, “Honey, I really love you. You are incredible. I am so grateful to have you in my life.” When was the last time you said something like this to your mate? Say it today and see the results for yourself!

Laurie Puhn has a bachelor’s and a law degree from Harvard University, where she served on the Board of the Harvard Mediation Program. She is a couples mediator, TV personality, and best-selling author of Fight Less, Love More, which is now offered as a nationwide course. Visit her online at www.fightlesslovemore.com

 

The following article was published by Laura Hollis who is a professor at the University of Notre Dame.

(November 20, 2013)

We Are Not SUBJECTS (and Other Observations About Obamacare)

The unveiling of the dictatorial debacle that is Obamacare absolutely flabbergasts me. It is stunning on so many levels, but the most shocking aspect of it for me is watching millions of free Americans stand idly by while this man, his minions in Congress and his cheerleaders in the press systematically dismantle our Constitution, steal our money, and crush our freedoms.

The President, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid (with no small help from Justice John Roberts) take away our health care, and we allow it. They take away our insurance, and we allow it. They take away our doctors, and we allow it. They charge us thousands of dollars more a year, and we allow it. They make legal products illegal, and we allow it. They cripple our businesses, and we allow it. They announce by fiat that we must ignore our most deeply held beliefs – and we allow it.

Where is your spine, America?

Yes, I know people are complaining. I read the news on the internet. I read blogs. I have a Twitter feed. So what? People in the Soviet Union complained. People in Cuba complain. People in China complain (quietly). Complaining isn’t the same thing as doing anything about it. In fact, much of the complaining that we hear sounds like resignation: Wow. This sucks. Oh well, this is the way things are. Too bad.

Perhaps you need reminding of a few important facts. Here goes:

1. The President is not a king
Barack Obama does not behave like a President, an elected official, someone who realizes that he works for us. He behaves like a king, a dictator – someone who believes that his own pronouncements have the force of law, and who thinks he can dispense with the law’s enforcement when he deigns to do so. And those of us who object? How dare we? Racists!

And while he moves steadily “forward” with his plans to “fundamentally transform” the greatest country in human history, he distracts people with cheap, meaningless trivialities, like “free birth control pills”! (In fact, let’s face it: this administration’s odd obsession with sex in general - Birth control! Abortion! Sterilization! Gay guys who play basketball! -- is just plain weird. Since when did the leader of the free world care so much about how people have sex, who they have it with, and what meds they use when they have it? Does he have nothing more important to concern himself with?)


2. It isn’t just a failed software program; it is a failed philosophy
People are marveling that Healthcare.gov was such a spectacular failure. Well, if one is only interested in it as a product launch, I’ve explained some of the reasons for that here. But the larger point is that it isn’t a software failure, or even a product failure; it is a philosophy failure.

I have said this before: Obama is not a centrist; he is a central planner. And this – all of it: the disastrous computer program, the hundreds of millions of dollars wasted, the lies, the manipulation of public opinion, the theft of the public’s money and property, and freedom (read insurance, and premiums, and doctors) -- IS what central planning looks like.

The central premise of central planning is that a handful of wunderkinds with your best interests at heart (yeah, right) know better than you what’s good for you. The failure of such a premise and the misery it causes have been clear from the dawn of humanity. Kings and congressmen, dictators and Dear Leaders, potentates, princes and presidents can all fall prey to the same imperial impulses: “we know what is good for ‘the people.’

And they are always wrong.

There is a reason that the only times communism has really been tried have been after wars, revolutions, or coups d’état. You have to have complete chaos for people to be willing to accept the garbage that centralized planning produces. Take the Soviet Union, for example. After two wars, famine, and the collapse of the Romanov dynasty, why wouldn’t people wait in line for hours to buy size 10 shoes? Or settle for the gray matter that passed for meat in the grocery stores?

But communism’s watered-down cousin, socialism, isn’t much better. Ask the Venezuelans who cannot get toilet paper. Toilet paper. ¡Viva la Revolución!

Contrary to what so many who believe in a “living Constitution” say, the Founding Fathers absolutely understood this. That is why the Constitution was set up to limit government power. (Memo to the President: the drafters of the Constitution deliberately didn’t say “what government had to do on your behalf.”) They understood that that was the path to folly, fear, and famine.)

3. Obama is deceitful
Just as the collapse of the computer program should not surprise anyone, neither should we be shocked that the President lied about his healthcare plan. Have any of you been paying attention over the past few years? Obama has made no secret of his motivations or his methods. The philosophies which inspire him espouse deceit and other vicious tactics. (Don’t take my word for it: read Saul Alinsky.) Obama infamously told reporter Richard Wolffe, “You know, I actually believe my own bullshit.” He has refused to be forthcoming about his past (where are his academic records?). His own pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, told author Ed Klein, that Obama said to him, “You know what your problem is? You have to tell the truth.”

Did Obama lie when he said dozens of times, “If you like you plan, you can keep it”? Of course he did. That’s what he does.

4. The media is responsible
And had the media been doing their jobs, we would have known a lot of this much, much earlier.

The press is charged with the sacred responsibility of protecting the people from the excesses of government. Our press has been complicit, incompetent, or corrupt. Had they vetted this man in 2008, as they would have a Republican candidate, we would have known far more about him than we do, even now. Had they pressed for more details about Obamacare, Congress’ feet would have been held to the fire. Had they done their jobs about Eric Holder, Fast and Furious, Benghazi, the IRS scandal, NSA spying - or any of the other myriad betrayals of the public trust that this administration has committed, Obama would likely have lost his 2012 reelection campaign. (A fact which even the Washington Post has tacitly acknowledged. Well done, fellas! Happy now?)

Instead, they turned a blind eye, even when they knew he was lying, abusing power, disregarding the limits of the Constitution. It was only when he began to spy on them, and when the lies were so blatant that the lowest of low-information voters could figure it out that they realized they had to report on it. (Even in the face of blatant, deliberate and repeated lies, the New York Times has the audacity to tell us that the President “misspoke.”) They have betrayed us, abandoned us, and deceived us.

5. Ted Cruz was right. So was Sarah Palin.
The computer program is a disaster. The insurance exchanges are a disaster. What’s left? The healthcare system itself. And this, of necessity, will be a disaster, too.

Millions of people have lost their individual insurance plans. In 2015, millions more will lose their employer-provided coverage (a fact which the Obama administration also knew, and admitted elsewhere).

The exorbitant additional costs that Obamacare has foisted on unsuspecting Americans are all part of a plan of wealth confiscation and redistribution. That is bad enough. But it will not end there.

When the numbers of people into the system and the corresponding demand for care vastly exceed the cost projections (and they will, make no mistake), then the rationing will start. Not only choice at that point, but quality and care itself will go down the tubes. And then will come the decisions made by the Independent Payment Advisory Board about what care will be covered (read “paid for”) and what will not.

That’s just a death panel, put politely. In fact, progressives are already greasing the wheels for acceptance of that miserable reality as well. They’re spreading the lie that it will be about the ability of the dying to refuse unwanted or unhelpful care. Don’t fall for that one, either. It will be about the deaths that inevitably result from decisions made by people other than the patients, their families, and their physicians. (Perhaps it’s helpful to think of their assurances this way: “If you like your end-of-life care, you can keep your end-of-life-care.”)

6. We are not SUBJECTS (or, Nice Try, the Tea Party Isn’t Going Away) We have tolerated these incursions into our lives and livelihoods too long already. There is no end to the insatiable demand “progressives” have to remake us in their image. Today it is our insurance, our businesses, our doctors, our health care. Tomorrow some new crusade will be announced that enables them to take over other aspects of our formerly free lives.

I will say it again: WE ARE NOT SUBJECTS. Not only is the Tea Party right on the fiscal issues, but it appears that they are more relevant than ever. We fought a war once to prove we did not want to be the subjects of a king, and the Boston Tea Party was just a taste of the larger conflict to come. If some people missed that lesson in history class, we can give them a refresher.

The 2014 elections are a good place to start. Call your representative, your senator, your candidate and tell them: “We are not subjects.  You work for us. And if the word “REPEAL” isn’t front and center in your campaign, we won’t vote for you. Period.”

Post-Mortem - by Laura Hollis

This was published the day after the election by Laura Hollis who is a professor at the University of Notre Dame. She is a VERY smart lady! The highlighting in the following article is mine.

Post-Mortem
Laura Hollis is a professor at the University of Notre Dame (Nov 08, 2012)
I am already reading so many pundits and other talking heads analyzing the disaster that was this year’s elections. I am adding my own ten cents. Here goes:

1. We are outnumbered
We accurately foresaw the enthusiasm, the passion, the commitment, the determination, and the turnout. Married women, men, independents, Catholics, evangelicals – they all went for Romney in percentages as high or higher than the groups which voted for McCain in 2008. It wasn’t enough. What we saw in the election on Tuesday was a tipping point: we are now at a place where there are legitimately fewer Americans who desire a free republic with a free people than there are those who think the government should give them stuff. There are fewer of us who believe in the value of free exchange and free enterprise. There are fewer of us who do not wish to demonize successful people in order to justify taking from them. We are outnumbered. For the moment. It’s just that simple.

2. It wasn’t the candidate(s)
Some are already saying, “Romney was the wrong guy”; “He should have picked Marco Rubio to get Florida/Rob Portman to get Ohio/Chris Christie to get [someplace else].” With all due respect, these assessments are incorrect. Romney ran a strategic and well-organized campaign. Yes, he could have hit harder on Benghazi. But for those who would have loved that, there are those who would have found it distasteful. No matter what tactic you could point to that Romney could have done better, it would have been spun in a way that was detrimental to his chances. Romney would have been an excellent president, and Ryan was an inspired choice. No matter who we ran this year, they would have lost. See #1, above.

3. It’s the culture, stupid.
We have been trying to fight this battle every four years at the voting booth. It is long past time we admit that that is not where the battle really is. We abdicated control of the culture – starting back in the 1960s. And now our largest primary social institutions – education, the media, Hollywood (entertainment) have become really nothing more than an assembly line for cranking out reliable little Leftists. Furthermore, we have allowed the government to undermine the institutions that instill good character – marriage, the family, communities, schools, our churches. So, here we are, at least two full generations later – we are reaping what we have sown. It took nearly fifty years to get here; it will take another fifty years to get back. But it starts with the determination to reclaim education, the media, and the entertainment business. If we fail to do that, we can kiss every election goodbye from here on out. And much more.

4. America has become a nation of adolescents
The real loser in this election was adulthood: Maturity. Responsibility. The understanding that liberty must be accompanied by self-restraint. Obama is a spoiled child, and the behavior and language of his followers and their advertisements throughout the campaign makes it clear how many of them are, as well. Romney is a grown-up. Romney should have won. Those of us who expected him to win assumed that voters would act like grownups. Because if we were a nation of grownups, he would have won.
But what did win? Sex. Drugs. Bad language. Bad manners. Vulgarity. Lies. Cheating. Name-calling. Finger-pointing. Blaming. And irresponsible spending.
This does not bode well. People grow up one of two ways: either they choose to, or circumstances force them to. The warnings are all there, whether it is the looming economic disaster, or the inability of the government to respond to crises like Hurricane Sandy, or the growing strength and brazenness of our enemies. American voters stick their fingers in their ears and say, “Lalalalalala, I can’t hear you.”
It is unpleasant to think about the circumstances it will take to force Americans to grow up. It is even more unpleasant to think about Obama at the helm when those circumstances arrive.

5. Yes, there is apparently a Vagina Vote
It’s the subject matter of another column in its entirety to point out, one by one, all of the inconsistencies and hypocrisies of the Democrats this year. Suffice it to say that the only “war on women” was the one waged by the Obama campaign, which sexualized and objectified women, featuring them dressed up like vulvas at the Democrat National Convention, appealing to their “lady parts,” comparing voting to losing your virginity with Obama, trumpeting the thrills of destroying our children in the womb (and using our daughters in commercials to do so), and making Catholics pay for their birth control. For a significant number of women, this was appealing. It might call into question the wisdom of the Nineteenth Amendment, but for the fact that large numbers of women (largely married) used their “lady smarts” instead. Either way, Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton are rolling over in their graves.

6. It’s not about giving up on “social issues”
No Republican candidate should participate in a debate or go out on the stump without thorough debate prep and a complete set of talking points that they stick to. This should start with a good grounding in biology and a reluctance to purport to know the will of God. (Thank you, Todd and Richard.)
That said, we do not hold the values we do because they garner votes. We hold the values we do because we believe that they are time-tested principles without which a civilized, free and prosperous society is not possible. We defend the unborn because we understand that a society which views some lives as expendable is capable of viewing all lives as expendable. We defend family – mothers, fathers, marriage, children – because history makes it quite clear that societies without intact families quickly descend into anarchy and barbarism, and we have plenty of proof of that in our inner cities where marriage is infrequent and unwed motherhood approaches 80%. When Roe v. Wade was decided in 1973, many thought that the abortion cause was lost. 40 years later, ultrasound technology has demonstrated the inevitable connection between science and morality. More Americans than ever define themselves as “pro-life.” What is tragic is that tens of millions of children have lost their lives while Americans figure out what should have been obvious before.
There is no “giving up” on social issues. There is only the realization that we have to fight the battle on other fronts. The truth will win out in the end.

7. Obama does not have a mandate. And he does not need one.
I have to laugh – bitterly – when I read conservative pundits trying to assure us that Obama “has to know” that he does not have a mandate, and so he will have to govern from the middle. I don’t know what they’re smoking. Obama does not care that he does not have a mandate. He does not view himself as being elected (much less re-elected) to represent individuals. He views himself as having been re-elected to complete the “fundamental transformation” of America, the basic structure of which he despises. Expect much more of the same – largely the complete disregard of the will of half the American public, his willingness to rule by executive order, and the utter inability of another divided Congress to rein him in. Stanley Kurtz has it all laid out here.

8. The Golfer's Mind Corrupt Media is the enemy
Too strong? I don’t think so. I have been watching the media try to throw elections since at least the early 1990s. In 2008 and again this year, we saw the media cravenly cover up for the incompetence and deceit of this President, while demonizing a good, honorable and decent man with lies and smears. This is on top of the daily barrage of insults that conservatives (and by that I mean the electorate, not the politicians) must endure at the hands of this arrogant bunch of elitist snobs. Bias is one thing. What we observed with Benghazi was professional malpractice and fraud. They need to go. Republicans, Libertarians and other conservatives need to be prepared to play hardball with the Pravda press from here on out. And while we are at it, to defend those journalists of whatever political stripe (Jake Tapper, Sharyl Atkisson, Eli Lake) who actually do their jobs. As well as FoxNews and talk radio. Because you can fully expect a re-elected Obama to try to reinstate the Fairness Doctrine in term 2.

9. Small business and entrepreneurs will be hurt the worst
For all the blather about “Wall Street versus Main Street,” Obama’s statist agenda will unquestionably benefit the biggest corporations which – as with the public sector unions – are in the best position to make campaign donations, hire lobbyists, and get special exemptions carved out from Obama’s health care laws, his environmental regulations, his labor laws. It will be the small business, the entrepreneur, and the first-time innovators who will be crushed by their inability to compete on a level playing field.

10. America is more polarized than ever; and this time it’s personal
I’ve been following politics for a long time, and it feels different this time. Not just for me. I’ve received messages from other conservatives who are saying the same thing: there is little to no tolerance left out there for those who are bringing this country to its knees – even when they have been our friends. It isn’t just about “my guy” versus “your guy.” It is my view of America versus your view of America – a crippled, hemorrhaging, debt-laden, weakened and dependent America that I want no part of and resent being foisted on me. I no longer have any patience for stupidity, blindness, or vulgarity, so with each dumb “tweet” or FB post by one of my happily lefty comrades, another one bites the dust, for me. Delete.
What does this portend for a divided Congress? I expect that Republicans will be demoralized and chastened for a short time. But I see them in a bad position. Americans in general want Congress to work together. But many do not want Obama’s policies, and so Republicans who support them will be toast. Good luck, guys.

11. It’s possible that America just has to hit rock bottom
I truly believe that most Americans who voted for Obama have no idea what they are in for. Most simply believe him when he says that all he really wants is for the rich to pay “a little bit more.” So reasonable! Who could argue with that except a greedy racist?
America is on a horrific bender. Has been for some time now. The warning signs of our fiscal profligacy and culture of lack of personal responsibility are everywhere – too many to mention. We need only look at other countries which have gone the route we are walking now to see what is in store.
For the past four years – but certainly within the past campaign season – we have tried to warn Americans. Too many refuse to listen, even when all of the events that have transpired during Obama’s presidency – unemployment, economic stagnation, skyrocketing prices, the depression of the dollar, the collapse of foreign policy, Benghazi, hopelessly inept responses to natural disasters – can be tied directly to Obama’s statist philosophies, and his decisions.
What that means, I fear, is that they will not see what is coming until the whole thing collapses. That is what makes me so sad today. I see the country I love headed toward its own “rock bottom,” and I cannot seem to reach those who are taking it there.

Common Sense Part 2

I checked to make sure this is accurate. It is. Bill Cosby gave this speech on May 17, 2004 at an NAACP event.

 

Again, this is COMMON SENSE! Yet it would be politically incorrect for a white person to say this. Fortunately Bill Cosby had the guts to tell it like it is.

They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.
I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.
$500 sneakers for what?
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2?
Where were you when he was 12?
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?
And where is the father? Or who is his father?
People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?

Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa .....

I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid.
I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already! ! !
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ......... And all of them are in jail.

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..
We cannot blame the white people any longer.'

~Dr.. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.

WELL SAID, BILL
It's NOT about color...
It's about behavior!

Common Sense Part 1

I would have thought that most people with common sense would naturally accept the self-evident truth of the following statements. Unfortunately our current government doesn't have much common sense (or else they just have their own agendas) and through their actions have proven these statements to be true.

Reverend William John Henry Boetcker (Presbyterian minister) produced a booklet in 1916 which contained this collection of maxims:

Ten Things You Cannot Do

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot help little men by tearing down big men

You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling down the wage payer.

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.

You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.

 

Remembering My Father on Father's Day

Feelings I shared at my father's funeral at Gulph Christian Church on March 6, 1996:

During the time I spent with my father in the hospital, I wrote down some of my thoughts.

When my mother died, it hurt so much knowing Brooke Wade wouldn't have his grandmother's love.  But in the fourteen years since, my father has given both Brooke Wade and Brent more than I ever hoped for.

In his own special way, my father gave his love to Brooke Wade and Brent individually.  He loved their uniqueness and openly praised their accomplishments and talents giving each his unconditional grandfather's love.  They were both SO special in his eyes.

My father and Brooke Wade had a special relationship.  My father thought the world of him, telling others with unabashed pride about his mechanical ability and tractors. Pop Pop was an easy mark for Brooke Wade to take him to Green Dragon to shop in the junk store before he got his license.  After Brooke Wade got his license, my father enjoyed being chauffeured there. 

Pop Pop was always there for him, and Brooke Wade felt so comfortable calling Pop Pop to tell him of his latest venture.  In my father's eyes, Brooke Wade could do no wrong.  Within the last month, instead of calling me, my father would call Brooke Wade to come over to help him with house projects.  They had a VERY special relationship for which I am so grateful.

Brent was his grandfather's pride and joy; the athlete he could watch and brag about.  Pop Pop was Brent's most dedicated fan at all of Brent's athletic contests - from his school track meets, to his baseball games, to his basketball games.  They both flew by the seat of their pants!  Brent, as well as Brooke Wade and myself, could do no wrong in my father's eyes. 

It hurts to realize that we will never again hear my father's booming voice yell, "Way to go, Brentie!" at one of his games.

Joy ended up being the daughter my father never had.  He cherished her and she treated him as she would her own father.  She was much easier for him to talk to than me.  I'm so grateful for Joy's concern to always include my father in our family's activities. 

I think Joy has felt the loss of my father as deeply as me.  She has helped me through this very difficult time in the hospital and now.

My father has given me unconditional love and acceptance.  His supportive nature and unabashed boasting about me to anyone who would listen was something I have cherished all my life.

Growing up, he allowed me to do things around the house, even though at first they weren't up to the standards I'm sure he could have done himself.  That gave me the confidence to grow and develop in various areas.

In our later years I feel we were closest on the golf course playing together in the church league which we had done for over 20 years.  Competing side-by-side we shared a common bond - a golfer's bond - as well as a father-son relationship.  I was continually amazed at his athletic prowess even at his advancing age.  We would help each other analyze our games, always seemingly able to help each other figure out what was wrong.  We shared our feelings - both dislikes and fondness for the guys we played with and against.  Those memories, together with the memories of his times with the family, are the ones I will cherish the most.

Thursday night was "golf."  But it was much more than that.  It was a time my father and I would be together - playing.  And a time I had him all to myself.  A time I had to share him with no one.  It was very special.

I realize that our tears now are kind of selfish.  It hurts because WE will miss him.  But as I told George last night, the reunion when he joined his loved ones and his friends must have been something!  He loved get-togethers, and I'm sure that was his biggest!

I'm grateful that he was active and vibrant up till the time he died.  And as much as he loved life and lived life to the fullest, I'm sure he is happiest now.

And I know we will all soon be together.

Who's running this country???

Thanksgiving 2012

As I reflect on my life this Thanksgiving Day 2012, I thank God for:

1. My Health (I am SO blessed to have good health and no serious health issues! Being pain-free and having my physical abilities allow me to fully enjoy countless activities that enrich my life. It allows me to savor the beauty and ecstasy of the human experience!)

2. My Family (Brooke Wade, Amy, Jana, Emily, & Josie; Brent) (They give my life meaning.)

3. Having Fran in my Life (To love and be loved is everything! I thank God for blessing me with Fran. I cherish our relationship as we share our lives and love for each other!)

4. My Relatives (I cherish the love and acceptance of the “clan” – as Uncle Ben used to call it.)

5. My Friends, and Good Acquaintances (They say that friends are the family that you choose. I have a few close friends, whom I cherish, and many very good acquaintances! Sharing life with them is what makes living enjoyable.)

6. My Faith (My relationship with God is very personal. I hope to never feel so self-confident that I don’t need His love and guidance. I pray that He holds me close.)

7. Maddie (My cat offers me companionship and warmth when I am home.)

8. My Jobs (Dallastown golf coaching where I enjoy working with fine young men and other coaches which also gives me the opportunity to stop in the high school and visit with former colleagues & York County voting registration) These help to give me a sense of accomplishment and purpose, some structure, and the opportunity to socialize and work with some fine people. They also allow me to savor relationships with various colleagues.)

9. My Houses (Chesley & Fiesta) (These properties not only offer me some security, but they allow me to exercise some of my talents and abilities.)

10. Living in the United States (Although there are many problems in our country, I am so blessed to have been born here and to live in the best country on earth. It is indeed the land of freedom and opportunity. I feel a sense of obligation and duty to try to keep the leaders from destroying what is good in this country.)

11. My Savings and Retirement (Financial Security) (The comfort and security of my secure retirement pension after 35 years of teaching allows me to fully enjoy these years. I am blessed not having to worry about money – through my pension, my savings, & my lifestyle.)

12. My Talents and Abilities (I sometimes take for granted what I have accomplished [professionally, athletically, & mechanically] and what I can do. I get a sense of satisfaction and pleasure from using my skills for myself and to help others – especially my friends and good acquaintances.)

13. My Intelligence, Common Sense, & Education (I’ve been blessed with some innate intelligence and quality education from York Suburban School District, Millersville State College, and Johns Hopkins University.)

14. My Memories (Memories of all the wonderful past occurrences, my achievements, recognition I have received, my loved ones and others that my life has touched [those still alive as well as those who have passed], and the wonderful blessings God has given me – make my life what it is. How tragic to lose one’s memories – all of one’s previous lifetime – I believe is a fate worse than death!)

Obama's Campaign Strategy

I keep reading that the Republican party has to change in order to win another election.

Looking at this past election, it was the dirtiest, most mean spirited presidential campaign (by far!) that I can remember.

How did Obama win re-election?

Obama obviously couldn’t run on his failed administration’s record, so he ignored the miserable record and claimed things could be worse, He proposed no new ideas, just more of the same.

He attacked and demonized Romney for being successful and wealthy. He divided the nation into segments and patronized each group – Blacks, Hispanics, females, gays….

Obama's Campaign Strategy

Obama is not only the most divisive president we’ve ever had, he is also a master of diversion. He diverted a very naïve electorate’s attention from the obvious financial crisis that this country faces with the national debt and Social Security to relatively insignificant social issues.

That is like worrying about the dining room dress code aboard the sinking Titanic!

I distrust propaganda put out by both parties, because they both distort the truth and at times just outright lie. But I DO put stock in words that come out of a politician’s mouth.

What follows are exact words spoken by Barack Obama with links to the video clips of him speaking these words.

On Letterman (http://dailybail.com/home/obama-on-letterman-not-sure-how-much-the-debt-is.html), Obama discussed the national debt. He stated, “We had a surplus when Bill Clinton was president.”

The fact is, there was NOT a surplus when Clinton left office. The national debt at that time was five trillion dollars!

When David Letterman asked Obama about the national debt, “Now do you remember what that number was? Was it ten trillion?” Obama answered, “No, I don’t remember what the number was precisely.”

The fact is, the national debt was over sixteen trillion dollars. Was he afraid to say that number?

Obama then added, “We don’t have to worry about it short term. Right now interest rates are low.”

Obama avoided facing THE major problem this country faces.

Ironically, Obama laid out his EXACT 2012 campaign strategy in 2008 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B18lXQDGwpg). He stated, “Because if you don’t have any fresh ideas, then you use stale tactics to scare voters. If you don’t have a record to run on, then you paint your opponent as someone people should run from. You make a big election about small things.”

That is what exactly what Obama did, and 50% of the electorate fell for it!

Unbelievable!

I feel like a dinosaur

Toward the end of my teaching career, I felt like a dinosaur when things had changed so much compared to when I started teaching. Behavior that wasn’t acceptable in the 70’s and 80’s was being tolerated. Overwhelming regulations from the state and the school administration continually increased, interfering with actual classroom instruction. The younger teachers who didn’t know what it was like in the past didn’t seem to mind the new status quo. I knew it was time to retire.

I’m now beginning to feel like a dinosaur in present day society. Traditional values which had once been accepted by everyone are now being ignored. Right and wrong has become conditional and open to interpretation. Honesty, once a given, now seems to be a rarity in our government and media.

People are no longer ashamed of their own embarrassing behavior. In fact outlandish reality shows actually celebrate and reward ignorance and boorish behavior. Uneducated dim-witted athletes and “entertainers” have become celebrities and role models. It seems rude and selfish behavior is more and more becoming the norm.

Accepting responsibility for one’s own actions has become a rarity; it’s much more common to blame someone else for your problems and mistakes (from the President on down) sometimes even leading to outrageous lawsuits based on one’s own stupidity.

Good work ethic and taking pride in self-sufficiency is being replaced by rewarding the lazy with government handouts in exchange for their votes.

And now an extremely divisive and failed administration gets re-elected by a majority of Americans who obviously favor this new status quo.

 

I feel like a dinosaur....

Business Owner & Presidential Election

Heritage Hills owner voices opinion on election

By SEAN ADKINS 
Daily Record/Sunday News

Updated:   11/03/2012
 

York, PA –

If President Barack Obama wins a second term, Heritage Hospitality could consider laying off some of its 600 workers and replacing some of its full-time staff with part-timers, its president and owner said.

Shortly after 11 p.m. Wednesday, Matt DeRose, sent out a staff-wide email supporting the policies offered by former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney over those of the president.

In the email to staff, DeRose states that increasing expenses brought on by recent regulations, taxes and the "stagnant" economy could, "without change," force his company to consider layoffs.

Within the past few years, many residents and companies have cut back on spending, reducing Heritage Hospitality's overall revenue, DeRose said Friday in an emailed response to questions about the message to his workers.

"We have held off significant staffing reductions to this point; however, I expect that without a change in leadership, the current policies will not produce a change in a positive way," said DeRose in response to questions.

The management team has "discussed our options and are prepared to reduce operating costs in order to survive several more years of a sluggish economy."

Aside from possible job reductions, Heritage Hills is preparing for the new health care law, a cornerstone of Obama's presidency.

Obama's health care law requires that businesses with 50 or more full-time employees offer health insurance, or they must pay $2,000 for each employee who is not covered.

"A company like ours will be forced to significantly reduce our full time staff and replace with part time staff in order to avoid the fines associated with the new legislation," DeRose said in response to questions regarding his email to staff.

Heritage Hospitality isn't the only company looking fill its staff with part-time workers.

Recently, Darden Restaurants, the owner of Red Lobster and the Olive Garden, shifted more workers to part-time status in four of its markets to see if it could keep costs in check under the new health care law, the company said.

Not all of DeRose's email to his workers centers on how his business would fare under a second Obama presidency.

The second paragraph of his Wednesday email focused on the importance of voting.

The email message then delved into how recent regulations, namely those that have boosted payroll taxes to cover unemployment benefits, have cost Heritage Hospitality money.

Higher electric rates and gas prices have also cut into the company's revenue, according to the Wednesday email.

The message goes on to state that the election is not about "likability."

"I believe most are proud we have not only an African American president, but one from parents with mixed ethnic backgrounds," according to DeRose's email to his workers. "The president seems to be a great family man and an American success story. However, he had little business or management experience which has proven him unworthy of the task."

Later, the Wednesday email mentions that the election is not about social issues or equal rights.

"Romney has a record of working across the aisle and has made it clear he is not running to push a social agenda," according to the email.

Since sending the email to his workers, DeRose said he has fielded no complaints, but has received many sentiments of gratitude for speaking the truth.

"I simply felt that this election is so crucial that I needed to share my opinion as to what was best for our company and our country," he said in the email to staff.

I talked with two other small business owners before the election, and they both expressed concerns similar to those described by Matt DeRose in this article.

I don’t know much about business, but even to me it is obvious, and was even before I talked with these business owners, that this administration’s policies are anti-business and crippling to the economy. I don’t understand how people with ANY common sense can’t recognize this!

Obama the Divisive President

Obama epitomized negativity by relentlessly dividing Americans and constantly vilifying his opponents, with the single purpose of diverting attention away from his dismal record of the past four years. And then by never discussing a plan for the next four years, he is re-elected!

Incredible!

After this election, if I wasn’t doomed to live under this incompetent regime, I would say that the populace got EXACTLY what it deserves.

The electorate’s endorsement of Obama’s policies now gives him free reign for the next four years to continue his insane spending which WILL bring this country down! Laws of economics, like laws of physics, cannot be ignored.

This election, tragically, might have sealed Americas fate – socialism over free enterprise, big government and the “nanny state” over personal responsibility and individual freedom. Insane liberalism over common sense.

 

The 2012 Election

Four years ago Obama foretold the strategy that he has used for re-election. He said if you can’t run on your record, you attack your opponent. If you can't run on your record, you need to make the people run away from your opponent. If you can't talk about the big things, you need to stick to the small things. You make a big election about small things.

He did it, and it worked perfectly. Half of the voters fell for it.

Absolutely amazing!

I never thought SO many Americans could be so gullible. And so stupid.

 

The New Teflon Man

Obama has proven himself even more invulnerable than Clinton – the original “Teflon man.”

No matter how bad the economy is, no matter how reckless his out of control spending is, no matter what he does, he is NEVER at fault.

 

President Reagan vs Obama the president

 

Obama the person – I refuse to call him a man – is a very immature and very mean spirited individual.

Like an immature child, Obama refuses to take responsibility for his problems or for the consequences of his actions. It is ALWAYS someone else’s fault.

President Reagan, after taking office during a time of run-away inflation and high unemployment, NEVER blamed Jimmy Carter for the problems he faced. He simply went to work and SOLVED the problems with sound economic policy. Oh how refreshing!

President Reagan never personally attacked his opponents the way Obama ALWAYS does. He debated issues, policies, and ways to solve problems, while treating those who disagreed with him with respect.

President Reagan NEVER tried to divide the American public into factions the way Obama does. He understood we’re all Americans, and we’re all in this together. He recognized that what is good for ALL Americans is good for Blacks, Hispanics, women, men, the poor and the rich, He didn’t pander to individual factions, nor did he try to pit one group against another. He didn’t demonize his opponents, big business or the wealthy. Reagan had a firm grasp of how our economy works. Instead of punishing the wealthy and big business, he lowered taxes, understanding that that is what stimulates the free enterprise system.

But then again, unlike Obama, President Reagan understood that “Government is not the solution to our problems. Government is the problem.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEuiI2PbSWQ

Oh, President Reagan, where are you when we need you now….

Quotes by Abraham Lincoln relevant today!

~
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative and independence.

You cannot help men permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.

These wise words of Abraham Lincoln from 150 years ago should be heeded by today's political leaders.
~

Socialism Has Never Worked

No Work, No Eat & No Socialism at Jamestown or in America

 
You no doubt remember the name of John Smith and the colony at Jamestown from grade school history but what you might not remember is the important example of good governance and civic order the their legacy left for our nation. A legacy best descried in Smith’s paraphrase of the bible, “No work, no food.”

Jamestown was the first English colony in the United States and was run by the London Company which sent 105 men seeking fortune here in 1609. About half of those sent considered themselves “Gentlemen” and refused to labor feeling entitled by their class. They instead wanted to live off the toils of others who knew how to work with their hands. A perfect example of the Marx phrase, “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.” After their longer than expected journey to America and poor work ethic, the colonists quickly began to starve. Enter John Smith.

Smith embraced what is now known as a “no work, no eat policy” demanding all able bodied men collect as much food as he did each day or face banishment from the colony. His idea a paraphrase of the bible which states “Those unwilling to work will not get to eat.”

“Countrymen, the long experience of our late miseries, I hope is sufficient to persuade every one to a present correction of himself, and think not that either my pains, nor the [investors'] purses, will ever maintain you in idleness and sloth. I speak not this to you all, for diverse of you I know deserve both honor and reward, better than is yet here to be had: but the greater part must be more industrious, or starve, how ever you have been heretofore tolerated by the authorities of the Council, from that I have often commanded you. You see now that power rests wholly in myself: you must obey this now for a Law, that he that will not work shall not eat (except by sickness he be disabled) for the labors of thirty or forty honest and industrious men shall not be consumed to maintain an hundred and fifty idle loiterers. And though you presume the authority here is but a shadow, and that I dare not touch the lives of any but my own must answer it: the Letters patents shall each week be read to you, whose Contents will tell you the contrary. I would wish you therefore without contempt seek to observe these orders set down, for there are now no more Councilors to protect you, nor curb my endeavors. Therefore he that offends, let him assuredly expect his due punishment.” – John Smith

Smith’s actions saved the colony and brought order and discipline to a group of people who would otherwise have starved and possibly perished. More than that, his policy is a shining example of how the core principals of socialism, whenever tried, fail. When able bodied men don’t work and instead choose to live off the livelihood of others, all are brought down with them. No one expects those who are truly sick or disabled to produce the same as those who are able, yet our nation, like Jamestown before it, suffers from the malaise and indifference of those who otherwise should be producing in our society demanding to be fed from the labor of others because of a sense of entitlement.

Socialism and a culture of entitlement did not work in Jamestown and it is not working in our nation today. No doubt we will once again have no choice but to turn to the basic notion that sustained Jamestown and adopt the policy of no work, no eat.

 

Some Thoughts About the Election November 6, 2012

Tuesday's election will TRULY decide the direction for the future of this country.

I can’t believe how complacent so many are with Obama. And I’m amazed how effective his strategy has been at diverting attention away from his miserable record by demonizing Romney and dividing the nation along various societal lines.

What a disappointment we'll be to our forefathers if Obama gets another term to destroy the country they’ve given us!

 

Obama has stated that the United States Constitution is preventing him from accomplishing what he wants to do. Thank God!

 

After the last presidential election in 2008, when Obama won, I was kind of optimistic. Although I had voted for McCain, I looked forward to Obama’s promises of ending the bi-partisanship in Washington, reducing the national deficit, and bringing the country back together again.

However, after four years Obama has proven to be the most divisive and most negative president in my lifetime! Rather than addressing problems, he constantly blamed others. Instead of reducing the deficit, he spent his way to a record high deficit of over $16 trillion!

Obama has proven that he was in over his head. But looking back on his career, it should come as no surprise. He was a “community organizer” in Chicago and a U.S. Senator in Washington for one term! Then in the White House, he surrounded himself with advisors who have NO understanding of business or how the economy works!

 

I believe Obama is sincere in his beliefs that his ideas and policies will improve the United States. Unfortunately he believes capitalism is evil and socialism is the answer to all our problems.

It’s quite obvious that Obama wants to lead the country into socialism. He is VERY anti-capitalism, believes in BIG government, and is constantly promoting class warfare.

To me it’s obvious the Obama administration lacks common sense! With respect to the economy, government does NOT create jobs! Government creates an environment for businesses to flourish. This is NOT accomplished by ever-increasing regulations! This is done by lowering corporate taxes for large companies and lowering income taxes for higher income earners to support small businesses.

 

Far left liberalism IS socialism. Many (the majority?) of the “47%” believe they are entitled to the redistribution of the wealth of the EVIL rich.

This video was made two years ago and explains Obama’s motivation.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=7IlGD2OABJE

 

Obama is for just about everything I'm against - BIG government, higher taxes, ignoring the immediacy of the national debt, divisiveness, and over-regulation of everything. He doesn't like capitalism, he doesn't understand small business, and he thinks government should take over and solve all of the problems.

Although the government has good intentions, they FAIL at just about everything they do because they never run their organizations like businesses; they don’t have to balance their budget – they just increase taxes, and it’s never-ending!

I believe in personal responsibility and common sense. I want government to “live within its means” and to protect me from foreign countries and civil unrest. Other than that, I want the government to stay out of my life; I can take care of myself.

I’m thankful this Thanksgiving 2011

As I reflect this Thanksgiving on what I’m thankful for, I thank God for:

1. My Health (I am SO blessed to have good health and no serious health issues!)

2. My Family (Brooke Wade, Amy, Jana, Emily, & Josie; Brent) (They give my life meaning.)

3. Having Fran in my Life (To love and be loved is everything! I thank God for blessing me with Fran.)

4. My Relatives (I cherish the love and acceptance of the “clan” – as Uncle Ben used to call it.)

5. My Friends, and Good Acquaintances (They say that friends are the family that you choose. I have a few close friends, whom I cherish, and many very good acquaintances!)

6. My Faith (My relationship with God is very personal. I hope to never feel so self-confident so as to not need His love and guidance.)

7. Maddie (My cat offers me companionship and warmth when I am home.)

8. My Jobs (Dallastown golf coaching & York County voting registration) These help to give me a sense of accomplishment and purpose as well as some structure. They also allow me to enjoy relationships with various colleagues.)

9. My Houses (Chesley & Fiesta) (These properties not only offer me some security, but they allow me to exercise some of my talents and abilities.)

10. Living in the United States (Although there are many problems in our country, I am so blessed to have been born here and to live in the best country on earth. It is indeed the land of freedom and opportunity. I feel a sense of obligation or duty to try to keep the leaders from destroying what is good in this country.)

11. My Savings and Retirement (Financial Security) (The comfort and security of my secure retirement pension after 35 years of teaching allows me to fully enjoy these years. I am blessed not having to worry about money – through my pension, savings, & lifestyle.)

12. My Talents and Abilities (I sometimes take for granted what I have accomplished [professionally, athletically, & mechanically] and what I can do. I get a sense of satisfaction and pleasure from using my skills for myself and to help others.)

13. My Intelligence & Education (I’ve been blessed with some innate intelligence and quality education from York Suburban School District, Millersville State College, and Johns Hopkins University.)

14. My Memories (Memories of all the wonderful past occurrences, achievements, recognition, people [those still alive as well as those who have passed], and blessings make my life what it is. How tragic it is to lose one’s memories – all of one’s previous lifetime – a fate worse than death!)

What I Know for Sure

~
In the August 2010 issue of the Oprah Magazine, Oprah talked about best deals.

“I love a bargain.

Over the years I’ve bought cars and houses and lots of material goodness for my friends and family. I get a lot of pleasure from bringing pleasure, and I love using money to help others create a better life for themselves. But even the greatest gifts lose their value over time. I know for sure that the best deal is an investment in the things that will sustain your joy.

My best-ever deals are the ones that never lose their personal impact. Like deciding back in 1988 to skip taking a salary and embrace the risk of owning my own show instead. Or creating my own studio. Or building a school for girls in South Africa.

I’ve discovered that any deal that improves your life is all about getting better one day at a time. This requires paying attention to what really matters, and being alive to NOW. It does not require buying more stuff.

Not long ago I had an aha! moment on Rodeo Drive, riding in the car with Gayle and talking about all the fabulous things in the windows. I recognize that the real deal is to be able to see it, admire it, but not be seduced into acquiring more of what you don’t need.

I’ve taken the advice O’s creative director, Adam Glassman, offered in our March issue. Every time I buy one thing, I give away something else. I now have a box in my closet to collect the old every time I bring in something new. And when the box is full, I give away the contents….

This new habit has put a frame around mindless spending – and allowed me to see what a great deal I have going on every day. Adding to my possessions doesn’t fill my cup. Life is good without spending a dime.”

I have great respect and admiration for Oprah; I think highly of her work ethic, her talents, and especially her desire to do good with her wealth and talents.

Ironically (due to the general theme of this month's magazine) this August issue of the Oprah Magazine has a front cover depicting Oprah dressed in a casual outfit with the caption, “Everything Oprah’s wearing is under $100!” When I added the cost of all the items she was wearing, the TOTAL cost for her outfit was over $550!

I agree with many of the points Oprah makes in her article. The best deal IS an investment in the things that will sustain your joy and never lose their personal impact. Personally one of my best deals is just the satisfaction of living without debt. I realize I am VERY fortunate to be in this position, but I also believe it is also a “catch 22” in a good way. I have always lived far below my means which allows me to enjoy a debt-free lifestyle now. It helps that I have very simple tastes and have no desire to try to impress others with material possessions. I also thoroughly enjoy the simple pleasures in life – healthy diet, writing, creating things, photography, using the computer, enjoying time with friends and family, walking, participating in sports, and helping others. These activities are not only a source of ongoing enjoyment, but they are also inexpensive.

Having just returned from a trip to New England with Fran, we enjoyed a tour through The Breakers, a mansion built by the Cornelius Vanderbilt in 1895. The EXTREME extravagance and opulence of every room in this huge mansion was overwhelming, and no one could fully appreciate all of the detail. It actually dulls one’s appreciation for each individual detail. The experience certainly helped me appreciate the meaning of the phrase “less is more.”

I also like and would like to emulate Oprah’s habit of giving something away every time something new is bought. I’ve learned the truth in her statement “adding to my possessions doesn’t fill my cup.”
~

Loving Someone....

~
This is part of an email that I sent Uncle Ben in July of 2004:

Things are a bit different around here. I moved over to my father’s house the beginning of May. It wasn’t an easy decision, to say the least. Joy was upset and didn’t want me to move. I had thought about it for a long time and felt it was best. I still care for her, but I didn’t feel we felt the way we should about each other.


This is part of Uncle Ben's email response:

Your comments on "feeling" in your relationship, I think, need to be examined a little. Emotions are certainly a part of "love" – too much in our culture; but there is more to it than that. Love is a matter of the will – as in the two Great Commandments: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your being, and you shall love your neighbor as yourself." Feelings will come and go depending on a lot of things, but they are an uncertain measurement for an inquiry into the foundations of marriage, and the living out of it year in and year out.


Uncle Ben offered to help in any way he could, but I was too embarrassed about failing in my marriage (the first person in my family to do so) to ever accept his offer.

I often wondered what words of wisdom Uncle Ben might have given me; he passed away in 2006.

Perhaps the results of my internet search on the topic (“Is love a feeling or a commitment?”) include information similar to what Uncle Ben might have shared with me.

--------

Loving Someone Without Feeling It

Are married couples supposed to always feel in love? James Dobson, Ph.D. provides the answer.

Is It Possible to Love Someone and Not Feel It?

It certainly is — because love is more than a feeling. It is primarily a decision. Married couples who misunderstand this point will have serious problems when the feeling of love disappears for a time.

Couples who genuinely love each other will experience times of closeness, times when they feel apathetic, and times when they are irritated and cranky. That's just the way emotions operate.
What, then, will hold them steady as feelings bounce all over the landscape? The source of constancy is a commitment of the will. You simply make up your mind not to be blown off the limb by fluctuating and unreliable emotions.

This is probably what Uncle Ben was referring to in his email to me.

--------

Is love a feeling or a commitment?

People change. Feelings change. Circumstances change. To promise to love someone forever is not a realistic promise.

It's a common definition of love – something you feel, something you might stop feeling if your heart were to change. It's a vision of love as a feather that can be blown by the wind, always landing softly. It's cute, and a lot of people believe it – probably because Hollywood has foisted it upon us many times in many different movies and TV shows. It's a flighty definition of love that is very convenient for the one taking flight.

However, that is countered by someone else who outlined a simple but powerful change in thinking. Some of us believe that love is an action, not an emotion. As such, we don't necessarily believe such things are impossible to achieve.

That's the awesomeness, right there. You want to know how to make your marriage last? That's it. Stop thinking that love is that feeling of butterflies in your tummy. Stop thinking that love is that giddy feeling of attraction. Start thinking that love is about respect, commitment, loyalty, and the deliberate choice to move past negative emotions that might pull things apart. Love is not about fair weather relationships. It's about weathering storms together.

This makes sense. When I think about my parents or my sons, there were times when I was disappointed or angry at them, but I never thought of NOT loving them.

--------

A couple breaking the promise of marriage or a parent breaking a promise to their son or daughter is really no different.

Marriage is a tad different, in that the things that are promised ("vowed," which is a word we don't hear often enough without irony) are impossible to promise. You may say you will love, cherish, and respect another until the day you die, but you are not promising something you can, in good faith, honestly know you can deliver.

People change. Feelings change. Circumstances change. To promise to love someone forever is not a realistic promise. You can promise to try. But you can't promise you will. – at least, not with any real certainty.

I do wish there were a code of honor these days, but there isn't. Instead, misinformation, lies, and manipulation are the norm in politics and business. So, why shouldn't it be the norm in our day-to-day lives, as well?

It SHOULD be the norm. We can only control our own actions.

----------

Some of us believe the love is an action, not an emotion.

Very well put. One thing that struck me after studying German for a while is that, much like "sit" and "set" or "lie" and "lay" are intransitive/transitive verb pairs differentiated by the central vowel ("sitzen" and "setzen" / "liegen" and "legen" in the German), so too are "live" and "love" ("leben" and "lieben") – "love" is the transitive form of "live". So in that sense, loving someone is helping them live well, helping them grow and be healthy. Romance doesn't have to enter into this picture, which is why you can just as well love your siblings even despite a very rocky growing up. Which is also why I know that I'm loving my wife the most not when I'm feeling all lovey-dovey, but when she's annoying the crap out of me or I'm really angry at her, but still try my hardest to make things work.

Love is work. Marriage is work. And the truer measure of how much you love your partner/spouse doesn't happen during the easy times – it's how you behave and how you work at it during the rough times, even if you happen to hate each right at that moment. That's when you fulfill whatever promises or vows you've made.

----------

All of these perspectives of "love" are similar in that they focus on commitment and choice rather than feelings. They point out that feelings (which can be fickle and which we have no control over) change and fluctuate. Commitment to honor vows or promises is something each person can choose to control. It still takes both people in a relationship to work together (through communication and action) for that relationship to continue, but it is comforting to realize that my loving relationship is not at the mercy of feelings alone.

I believe this is what Uncle Ben was referring to in his email and what he would have explained to me had I given him the opportunity.
~