Love

Dating isn’t a game that you can win by memorizing rules. Dating is—at its HEART—a process of discovery. Discovering how you interact with different kinds of people. Discovering what fills your needs. Discovering lessons about life through intimate companionship with another.

If you focus so hard on the goal of getting a mate that you are blinded to the process of discovery and your own feelings, then you may end up with the booby prize of an engagement ring without love.

So many women convince themselves that they’re really in love with a guy when they’re actually not. They feel giddy and protected and bigger than themselves in his presence. They associate so many good feelings with him that they are convinced that HE is their cause. As a result, they think they have to keep him in order to ensure that the good feelings keep flowing.

But what if I told you that what you were feeling when you were falling for a guy was not love at all?

Psychologists M. Scott Peck and Dorothy Tennov, among others, believe that the feeling of falling in love is separate from the experience of real love. Dr. Tennov even believes that we should have a different word altogether for the experience of being in love (she suggests the term limerance).

Dr. Peck describes the difference in this way. REAL love takes work. It is an act of will that focuses on both partners’ growth and development. FALLING in love, on the other hand, takes no effort at all. A person “in love” basks in the bliss of the beloved’s seeming perfection, while a person who loves unconditionally sees their lover honestly and continues to love even when unpleasant character traits arise. Because of the difficult in learning to love, real love can take years to develop, while falling in love can happen in an instant.

This means that a ticking clock accompanies all the wonderful feelings you experience while you are with a man that you’ve fallen in love with. They will end … and if real love hasn’t arisen to take its place, the relationship will end, too.

Put bluntly, you can make a man fall in love with you, but that’s no guarantee that he will love you.

That is why it is so important to learn how to LOVE. It is the only tool you have for creating a relationship that will last forever.

For decades, Hollywood has confused the experience of falling in love with true love. Movies like Sleepless in Seattle taught us that love at first sight was the real thing. If you fell in love, you were supposed to get married, because the intensity of the in-love experience proved that he was the One for you.

Yet in actual fact, the warm tingles, the rush of emotion, the euphoria of touch, and the irresistible desire to be with him all the time is a TEMPORARY feeling. At most, a couple’s romantic bliss will last for two years. In most cases, it ends sooner.

As mirage of romantic love has spread throughout popular culture, the specter of divorce has grown stronger. Today, when all of us have a choice about who we are going to marry and greater partner choice than ever before, we still are more likely to get divorced than our grandparents.

What can we conclude from all this?

First, that falling in love is no guarantee that the relationship will mature into a love that lasts forever.

Second, that perhaps we’ve been going about attracting men all wrong.

When you spend all your time learning how to attract men superficially by memorizing how to act, how to talk, and how to dress, you may succeed in getting men to fall in love with you, but you may find it difficult to get them to love you.

So how do we go about getting REAL love?

The secret lies in the universal law that we get what we give.

You can’t get love. You can only give it and have faith that what you give will be returned to you.

Sound harsh? It’s not. It’s actually the most exciting journey you’ll ever embark upon. That’s because loving behavior attracts loving men.

Yet most of us don’t truly know how to act loving: we think we are acting in his best interest when, in actuality, we are acting to the way we do to keep him from leaving us, to keep from getting hurt, or to keep from being alone again.

Real love is concerned with growth: our own growth and the growth of our partner. It doesn’t say, “I’m so glad that I’m with him so I don’t have to be lonely.” It doesn’t say, “Being part of a couple is fantastic!” Instead, it asks, “How can we grow together and help one another along life’s path?” Real love is the essence of partnership, when two people face life’s challenges side by side, not turning against one another in the need to possess or perfect.

Gary Chapman, author of the wonderful book, The Five Love Languages, explains real love in this way:
"Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to genuinely be loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving." (p. 35)

The amazing thing about TRUE love is that it endures whether or not loving feelings are present. You can love your partner even though you dislike him very much at that moment. Dr. Chapman believes that you can act in love even when you hate your partner. REAL LOVE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN FEELINGS.

EXERCISE – What is Love?
Gain a better understanding of your concept of love. If you are in a relationship, skip the first question. Then, think about your current or most significant past relationship. Answer questions 2 to 6 by completing the following sentences with the first words that come to mind.

PART ONE
1. I want a partner (e.g., lover, boyfriend, husband) because...

PART TWO
2. When I am with my partner, I expect to feel...
3. If I want to show my partner how much I care, I...
4. My partner makes me feel loved when he...
5. Other people can tell we are in love because...
6. If my partner left me, I would feel...

PART THREE
Take a moment to reflect on your answers to the above questions, noting any patterns. Then, complete the following sentence.
7. Love is...