Aunt Dot Shoffner Park

(12/25/1914 - 4/14/2008)

Aunt Dot was the last of my family elders. I realized that, even after I became an adult, I always cared TOO much about what my father, Aunt Gladys, Uncle Ben, and Aunt Dot thought of me.

I’m so grateful that my Uncle Ben and Aunt Gladys always made sure to include Aunt Dot in the family get-togethers and activities. And after Uncle Ben and Aunt Gladys passed away, Bev stepped up and took over.

Especially since Aunt Dot didn’t have children of her own, Bev’s family WAS Aunt Dot’s family.

Out of everyone in my father’s family, including himself, his brother, and his three sisters, I’m probably most like Aunt Dot, so I feel I could relate closely to her.

Both of us are kind of quiet and shy. We are both also a bit stubborn in our own way, and even have similar political views. I also feel we both find it rather difficult to accept help from others, maybe because we feel uncomfortable when others go out of their way for us.

I started coming down and visiting Aunt Dot just before she had to leave her apartment where she had lived independently. Soon after my first two visits, her health necessitated that she move out of her apartment. After she started having health problems, Fran would come with me to visit. Visiting Aunt Dot was so much easier (for both Aunt Dot and for me) when Fran was with me. Fran is a much better conversationalist – OBVIOUSLY. And I was so grateful how quickly she and Aunt Dot bonded, and how close they became.

Unlike Uncle Ben, Aunt Gladys, and Aunt Dot, neither of MY parents lived long enough to have to face the challenges that old age sometimes demands. So for me, it was an eye-opening experience to see someone I love, struggle so much just to do everyday things.

Aunt Dot went through a lot. She recovered from a very serious and painful broken hip. It wasn’t easy for her to adjust to her diminishing physical abilities, and she experienced several falls trying to do things for herself.

It was difficult seeing Aunt Dot this way. I remember looking into her almost childlike, sad blue eyes gazing out from her aged body, as if questioning, “Why?” I’m sure she often wondered why she was the last of her generation to go. I remember, right after my father passed away, she commented to me that she didn’t understand why she hadn’t been taken instead of him, which broke my heart.

She confided to Fran and me that she felt bad that Bev now had to take care of her, after just recently going through everything with her father and mother. Aunt Dot said she never expected this to happen to her. She had thought she would just pass away rather than spending her savings on assisted living. She felt guilty that Bev was doing everything for her rather than receiving her inheritance.

Aunt Dot was always a giver, from when she would take care of us nieces and nephews when we were little, to taking care of her mother and father at the Gulph until they passed away. She didn’t feel comfortable when others sacrificed for her. Aunt Dot told us she felt like a burden on Bev and her family. We tried to reassure her that that is what families do because we love her, and reminded her how she had taken care of us when we were young, and how she had taken care of both of her parents.

As we would talk, I would gaze at her and remember the Aunt Dot that I had known my whole life – sometimes shy and reserved, other times outspoken, but always with a quick smile and distinctive laugh. During our visits, I would observe mannerisms and attitudes that reminded me of my father. And I cherished the occasional glimpses of Aunt Dot’s wry sense of humor and stubbornness.

It became more and more difficult for her to communicate when we would visit her, so I didn’t ask all of the questions I wanted to ask about her past and our family.

To make it easier for Aunt Dot, the last few visits we spent some time watching the interviews of the four family elders that Bev, Steve, and I had videotaped in 1988. As we watched, Aunt Dot would sometimes drift in and out of sleep (kind of like my father did at holiday gatherings), but she would periodically comment on something that was said on the video. Seeing her smile as the video triggered memories made it all worthwhile.

Aunt Dot was always grateful, as was I, for the kindness and caring helpfulness of the staff at Ware. During our visits, different staff members mentioned to me how much they liked Aunt Dot. I’m so glad they noticed how special she was.

I only wish I would have felt comfortable enough to go visit Aunt Dot more often when she had her health, and lived independently.

Even though we all wanted Aunt Dot’s lingering and suffering to end, it is still heartbreaking now that she is gone. But I am also sure there was another reunion and WONDERFUL celebration when she arrived home.

And I am certain, that we’ll all be together again soon.